‘I am not your Dream Girl’

Aditi Mathur and Ratnesh Mathur

“I am not your Dream Girl”, screamed a teenager’s t-shirt. I initially laughed it off as another smart t-shirt message. But, somehow the line lingered in my mind and it slowly came to me: what if every child wore this t-shirt for his/her parents?

“I am not your dream child.”
And what if every parent, teacher, the whole society took it seriously?

At one level it is about the freedom one has, in terms of professional, educational, career choices, and so on. While today there are a lot of parents open to their children looking at different or non-conventional careers, we still need to evolve to be able to accept some of the more radical choices.

What if the child decides not be successful in the conventional terms; to live a simple life of an ascetic?

Why is our focus so much on success and not on enjoying what we do? Aren’t we the ones who build the stress in our children and then rue the same stress? Don’t many of us crib about the rat race and yet unwittingly shove our children into the same? Can we not let their intelligence and their own decisions drive them towards their destinies?

At another level it is about character. In workshop after workshop, I hear from teachers and parents that they want their child to be of a great character. Perhaps I should rename it as “dream character”. They want their children to be the ideal package of values. Is it our own insufficiency that drives us to yearn for a child who is perfect? Or, is it that we are scared that the child’s character is a direct reflection of our own character (or at least an indirect assessment of our competence as a parent or school)?

A child’s character is built out of the child’s thinking, not necessarily out of the schooling or parenting the child gets. We all know how the same set of parents, perhaps adopting the same parenting practices, sending their children to the same school, have given rise to two children – one a knight in shining armour, and the other a black sheep!

At a third level it is also about the kind of person one is – one’s interest, temperament, even style. Just because he/she is our child, does it mean that he/she should evolve into a similar type of person? Or, alternatively should he/she not have the weaknesses that we have? If I am the shy kind my child should not be shy. If I am restless, my child should be calm and relaxed. Are we projecting a dream idealism onto the child?

If you have read this far and if you think I am projecting a very pessimistic picture then don’t worry, I am actually not worried about what we think and do consciously.

Most of us, consciously, are quite okay with our children charting their own paths – be it success, character, or persona. Also, any conscious effort can easily be met by children with stern resistance, putting us either on our guard or on the back-foot.

However, somewhere subtly and subconsciously we project onto our children the dream that we harbour either for them or for ourselves.

The proof lies in the countless parents wanting (deep inside) their child to come first, to sing well, to turn out to be a great artist, to be great in talking (even to strangers), to be one up, to be perfect! Our faces, even if we’re not aware, will give ample signs to my above assertion. Our embarrassment shows, our anxiety shows, our expectation shows – not just to a bystander – but more importantly to the child.

It’s the same in school. Subconsciously we teachers want a class of “brilliant” and well-disciplined, polished, blemishless children. Somewhere many of us take pride in the toppers and achievers and sympathize with the back benchers. Both these attitudes show our sub-conscious make up of nonacceptance and high expectations.

Is it that we just want good for our children, or is it that we want our children to be the BEST?

Do consider the following three propositions:
1. Childhood is not about growing up, but about childhood.

Let me quote from an email by a parent, Shikha: “Is it possible for a parent to see a child exactly as he is – not as what he could be or should be? Can childhood not be seen merely as a phase that leads up to being an adult, but be valued in itself, independent of adulthood? Are we constantly preoccupied (consciously or unconsciously) with how they will grow up to be, rather than be with them completely in the here and now? Are our preoccupations with education, also not coming from that sense of ‘becoming’ rather than ‘being’? And are we not perpetuating that somehow in our children as well?”

Can’t agree more with you Shikha. I too wonder, why we assume that the only (or even main) task of being a child is to grow up? My suggestion – give up this notion and actually start just being with the child, parenthood then becomes much more rewarding. Try it.

2. Parenting and teaching is possibly not about raising the child, but offering relationship to the child.

A relationship that will help the child chart his/her own growth path, against his/her own benchmarks, to fulfil his/her own dreams.
A relationship of unconditional acceptance. Wouldn’t we – as adults – like to get unconditional acceptance from all significant relationships in our lives? So would the child. And, if you want to learn unconditional acceptance, learn it from your child – he or she unconditionally accepts you.

3. Life is not about perfection; we are already perfect.

Perfection can be a mirage or more like the horizon, the closer we move towards it the farther it (seems to) moves away from us. The more we see imperfection in the child, the more the child feels deficient. But when we tune to see our child as (already) perfect then the child is able to recognize the immense resources inside himself/herself.

I am not implying that every behaviour or act of the child is perfect rather I am implying that every imperfect behaviour is coming from a child who is perfect. Every plant is perfect though every fruit that it gives need not be. Ending with a favourite story of mine:
A young boy was helping a clergyman to set up chairs for a sermon. The clergyman worked. The boy too worked. But the boy was whistling and working. The clergyman, after some time, got a little irritated and snapped at the child, “What are you doing?” The boy replied, “Working and whistling. Both are gifts of God.” The clergyman realized his mistake and apologized, “Sorry, I got a little irritated.” The boy replied, “No problem sire, irritation too is a gift of God.”

Finally, I would like the girl to add a rejoinder on her t-shirt just to serve as a reminder to us. It could read: ‘I’m not your Dream Girl. I have my own dreams’.

Photo: Sakti Prasanna Mohanty

The authors are educators, trainers for teachers and parents. They belong to amable.in – an organisation out to empower learning, learners – teachers and children alike.