Children and EQ: how to use emotions as super powers
Megha Bajaj
Did you know that we have two brains, two minds, and two intelligences*? One is rational and the other is emotional. And they are two totally different kinds of intelligences.
The theory of EQ is considered rather profound and complex. However, if we dig a bit deeper, we find that there are ways to simplify it and make it practical. EQ advocates working closely with our emotions. A new-born baby arrives with an array of emotions that unfold step-by-step through various life experiences. Although limited at the beginning, by the end of the third year, children display a full range of human emotions.
The term EI first appeared in 1964, but it was in 1995 that the concept of EQ gained attention when Daniel Goleman, American author, psychologist, and science journalist, reported on the brain and behavioural sciences in his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. The theory of Six Basic Human Emotions by Paul Ekman of fear, anger, joy, sadness, disgust, and surprise also resurfaced. Interestingly, these human emotions are also deeply embedded in our Vedic literature. Emotions, then, have always been around – validated by both science and spirituality.
With Emotional Intelligence (EQ) becoming so important, the question then is, ‘How do we create emotionally intelligent children?’
Children are a bundle of intense energy. If we ever want to understand emotions in their purest form, it is through children. They are a representation of what every emotion is supposed to be. Raw and real. And this is why, the best time to build EQ is early and every day.
Building EQ is a process. When babies coo, they are communicating. When infants cry they are sharing a message. When toddlers throw tantrums, they are sharing confusion. When pre-schoolers shout, they are sharing discomfort. In school, college, and life as an adult, everybody uses emotions to communicate.
It is not just a parent’s or teacher’s job to build emotionally intelligent children, it is a collective responsibility. Here is how we can start.
1. Talking about emotions: There is no perfect age to talk about emotions. Emotions are a part of our everyday life, hence we should talk about them every day. Ask questions such as, “How are you feeling today?”, “What happens if you listen to a sad story?”, “What makes you happy – music or playing with friends?” The purpose is to normalize talking about how children are feeling at home and in school.
Tip: Use stories. Stories are great conversation starters.
2. Adding words to every emotion: The way adults feel anger is different from how children experience it. EQ is to bring awareness to how one ‘feels’ a specific emotion. With children, parents and teachers can begin by defining one emotion at a time. For e.g., Ask questions such as “What do you do when you feel happy?”, “What happens when you feel scared?” Or “What do you mean when you say you are feeling sad?” The idea is to help children identify what happiness and sadness mean to them as these are unique experiences.
Tip: Begin with one powerful question every day, “What was your most dominant feeling today?”
3. Sharing your own emotions: As adults, we are conditioned to suppress our emotions in front of our children. Children learn through observation. The best way to open channels to bring EQ in everyday life is to share your own vulnerabilities with children. The more teachers and parents share how they feel about their own behaviour and that of others, the easier it will be for children to understand that it is natural, and they will, in turn, learn to own, express, and channelize their emotions.
Tip: Use everyday situations to talk about emotions. Worksheets, creative activities, and videos add value, but the simplest way to begin is to just be honest with children about how you are feeling.
4. Responding rather than reacting! Awareness is everything. One classic way to help children build a strong EQ is to help them deal with their emotions gently. Let them know that it is okay to feel jealous, angry, sad, and embarrassed. But, teach them age-appropriate ways to express the same emotions in a healthy manner. For e.g., pausing before reacting, asking for help, sharing with someone close, and finding ways to put your feelings in words. A child can be taught that when he or she is angry, instead of hitting someone or screaming, they can simply express what made them angry.
Tip: Art, stories, and interaction – all have a key role to play here.
5. Emotions are tools: The children of today are quick absorbers and have higher processing speeds. Emotions can be powerful tools that can be used every day. They are the secret to understanding friends, sharing ideas in groups, dealing with failures, and also being successful in everyday goals. The more we show children the potency of emotions, the more they will learn to channelize them and use them to their benefit.
Tip: Share examples of inspiring stories of people who have achieved goals through mental strength and hard work. For example, how para-athletes choose to pursue their passions despite odds through self-belief and by being positive. Explain to children how emotions are powerful tools that can be used to build themselves, their relationships, and life.
The only way to help children learn about emotions is to simplify them – raising the awareness levels to something that is familiar to them. To stay open and vulnerable and let children know that it’s okay. To feel love. To feel resentment. To be happy and sad. Peaceful and angry. We go through the entire gamut – so why deny it to our young ones?
Every exchange that children have with their parents, teachers, and friends are moments of profound possibilities – for them to accept and embrace emotions, to channelize and use this power to build the best versions of themselves. Emotion is energy in motion – let’s direct it to our young ones in the right manner!
*“In a sense we have two brains, two minds – and two different kinds of intelligence: rational and emotional. How we do in life is determined by both – it is not just IQ, but emotional intelligence that matters. Indeed, intellect cannot work at its best without emotional intelligence. Ordinarily the complementarity of limbic system and neocortex, amygdala and prefrontal lobes, means each is a full partner in mental life. When these partners interact well, emotional intelligence rises – as does intellectual ability.” – Daniel Goleman
The writer is a bestselling author of several books, including, The Breakthrough published by Rupa Publications. She is a TEDx Speaker, an author-mentor, a passionate edupreneur, and an ardent seeker. She was among the 50 Most Influential Authors mentioned by Delhi Wire and 25 Most Inspiring Women in Mumbai. Her company WoW (Wonders of Words) conducts notable programs like the WoW Online Writing and Healing Workshop as well as WoW 3Ls (Language + Life + Leadership Skills) Program. She can be reached at info@wondersofwords.org or know more about her at www.MeghaBajajWoW.com.