Coaching children to be centered

Aruna Sankaranarayanan

To be calm, composed, and centered is not a learning goal that is spelled out in most curricula. While a minority of schools in the country have socioemotional learning (SEL) programs and explicitly teach these skills, the emotional lives of students are largely ignored by most institutions. Only when a problem surfaces, a child may be sent to a counsellor. Given that effective learning cannot take place unless children are in an optimal emotional state, shouldn’t schools address the affective dimension as well? Merely having a counsellor on the rolls to work with “problem students” doesn’t mean that a school is addressing the emotional needs of all children. In fact, SEL needs to be given the same emphasis as we currently accord the 3 Rs.

In Permission to Feel, psychologist and author, Marc Bracket emphasizes that if we “learn to identify, express and harness our feelings,” we can “create positive, satisfying lives.” Just like physical health, our emotional wellbeing impacts all aspects of our being. Learning to deal with our feelings is essential so that they don’t overwhelm us.

The term “emotional intelligence” was first coined by psychologists, Peter Salovey and Jack Meyer and was popularized by Daniel Goleman in his bestselling book by the same name. Two main facets of emotional intelligence are self-awareness and emotional regulation. To help children acquire these essential skills, Brackett has identified five steps that are neatly captured by the acronym RULER.

The first ‘R’ in RULER stands for Recognition. Being able to recognize emotions in ourselves and others is a foundational skill. Recognizing emotions in ourselves, let alone others, is not necessarily straightforward, however. Our preconceptions and prejudices may colour how we view ourselves and others. Brackett describes one study where half the students were told that a speaker who would be coming was a warm person. The other half were led to believe that the speaker was cold. The latter group rated the person as being “more irritable” than the former. To complicate matters, our own emotions, in the moment, influence how we perceive situations. If we are angry, we’re more likely to notice that others around us are peeved or cranky.

Brackett also mentions a study in which sixth-graders spent five days on a digital detox, without access to devices. This group performed better than their peers on a subsequent task that involved identifying emotions.

Most emotions, avers Brackett, may be parsed according to two dimensions of pleasantness and energy. Imagine a graph with pleasantness on one axis and energy on the other. A feeling like excitement will rank high on both aspects and occupy the upper and rightmost quadrant. In contrast, feeling hopeless which involves low ratings on both axes, will occupy the bottom and leftmost quadrant. While anger entails a high rating for energy but a low one for pleasantness, being calm involves the converse pattern.

So, the first step involves getting a visceral sense of how we or someone else might be feeling. Because of our mirror neurons, we also tend to pick up the emotions of those around us. But Brackett coaxes us not to overthink at this stage. Rather than zero in on the exact emotion, we may get a fuzzy idea of what the emotion feels like. Is it pleasant or unpleasant? Is it energizing or draining us?

The next step entails Understanding the emotion. When we ask ourselves, “why do you or I feel this way?” Pinpointing the root cause of an emotion is the main task of this step. Every day we encounter innumerable people and experiences that trigger thoughts and feelings in us. Typically, we judge them automatically and sometimes “even unconsciously,” notes Brackett. Our judgments then influence what emotions we feel. To become emotionally intelligent, we need to be able to step away from our own automatic evaluations and try to understand the context of a situation or a person in their entirety. Further, we need to be aware that both proximal and distal events can trigger emotions in us.

For example, your coordinator may have unfairly pulled you up in front of your students, belittling your authority. At home that evening, when you’re cooking dinner, you’re still bristling with humiliation. When your spouse doesn’t help with laying the table, you launch into a tirade. Your spouse looks at you in alarm, but fortunately doesn’t react. You take a deep breath and admit that you had a lousy day at work. According to Brackett, understanding an emotion involves “our storytelling ability, perspective taking skills, and pattern seeking,” to make sense of our feelings in varied situations.

And, argues Brackett, attention-seeking, rude, or recalcitrant behaviour in adults and especially in children, is a “signal for emotions.” We need to put aside our judgments of the behaviour if we want to read the emotions that it is expressing.

Next, we need to Label emotions as precisely as possible. In fact, the mere act of giving an emotion a name, “is itself a form of regulation.” When we label our emotions accurately, it helps us understand our experiences. Further, labelling may solicit help if required. Knowing that a child is hurting inside makes us more empathetic.

Brackett states that children who are able to give a label to their feelings have more prosocial relationships than their peers who struggle to name them. Having a larger vocabulary of feeling words helps us better understand our inner lives, which we can then communicate effectively to others.

Besides labelling our own feelings, when appropriate, teachers can explicitly teach emotion words to children through literature and everyday happenings in school. When children describe personal events during circle time, teachers could help them identify and label their emotion as well. “How did you feel when you got a new puppy?” or “Do you think Cinderella was more frustrated, disappointed, or dejected that she could not go to the ball with her stepsisters?” Further, we may normalize the act of talking about feelings, both positive and negative. Based on children’s grades and developmental levels, teachers may introduce them to more nuanced vocabulary.

The next step is to create a classroom culture that validates Expression of emotions, provided it is done in an appropriate manner. For example, if Rohit hits Nisha for taking his eraser, we may say, “Rohit, it’s okay to get upset if someone takes your eraser without asking. However, we use words to show we are upset.” Further, Brackett avers that expression is usually a “co-skill” as it involves a back-and-forth exchange. When children feel listened to and heard, they are more likely to be centered.

The final step is Regulation. It refers to how we manage “our own emotional responses” and also entails whether we can engage in “co-regulation” with others. If a student is upset and we react in an angry tone, the student is less likely to calm down. However, if we respond in a firm but soothing voice, the student is more likely to regain their own composure.

Emotional regulation should not be confused with denying or purging negative emotions from your life. Rather, it involves feeling the entire panoply of human emotion but without letting our emotions overwhelm or control us. We can model and teach children various strategies so that their emotions don’t overpower them. These include mindful breathing and attention-diverting exercises. For example, if an entire class is disappointed that their excursion has been cancelled, instead of diving straight into the lesson, playing a fun game with them will help them realign themselves.

Further, when children are calmer, we can help them reframe their negative appraisal of a situation to a more neutral or salubrious one. “It is disappointing that we cannot go on the excursion tomorrow as heavy rain is predicted. Imagine if we had gone and got stuck in bad weather? We couldn’t have done any of the fun activities we planned. At least, this way, we are all safe and we can plan to have the excursion next week.”

Finally, Brackett coaxes us to practice the “Meta-Moment” with children, which essentially entails pausing before responding, especially when we are gripped by a strong emotion. While a pause may not sound like much, a few seconds’ delay can change an impulsive, knee-jerk reaction to a more controlled and composed response.

By weaving socioemotional learning into our curricula, we can indeed impart simple, proven and effective strategies to children to lead more calm and centered lives. Isn’t that a laudable learning outcome in and of itself?

Reference

Brackett, M. (2019) Permission to feel: Unlock the power of emotions to help yourself & your children to survive. London: Quercus Edition Ltd.

Aruna Sankaranarayanan is the author of Zero Limits: Things Every 20-Something Should Know. She blogs at https://arunasankaranarayanan.com.