Balancing compassion and consequences

Neerja Singh

What is that one value all humans everywhere strive to strike? A balance. It is a universally accepted attribute of a wholesome life.

However, the cultural headwinds today are weakening adult leadership that can help the young achieve a healthy balance in their lives. Bosses, teachers, coaches, and parents tread on egg shells around children today because the popular script is that “our young are under too much pressure and we cannot afford to stress them out further.” We are all in the midst of a massive cultural push to extend compassion and empathy to our over-stimulated young.

Adults often fear drawing boundaries with their children and wards due to a variety of emotional, psychological, and societal factors. One of the primary reasons is the fear of damaging the parent-child relationship. Many parents worry that setting firm boundaries might lead to conflict, resentment, or a breakdown in communication. This fear is often compounded by guilt, especially if the parents feel they are not spending enough time with their children due to work or other obligations. They may compensate by being overly lenient, hoping to maintain their child’s affection and avoid feelings of inadequacy.

Another reason adults hesitate to set boundaries is the desire to be seen as a “cool” or “understanding” parent. In a world where social media and peer pressure influence parenting styles, there is a temptation to be more of a friend than a parent. This approach may stem from the fear of being labelled as strict or old-fashioned, leading to a reluctance to enforce rules and expectations.

In that process, we have lost sight of the interplay between compassion and consequences. This is a theme that will resonate deeply with every adult who is remotely concerned with the growth of young people. The fact is that for the truest success in life, our next generation will need to experience both.

Let me share a story from my teenage years that captures this balance. Growing up in India, I was witness to my brother being surrounded by friends, who, like him, were brimming with youthful energy and reckless ideas. I vividly remember the day he turned 17 and got his chocolate-coloured Hero Majestic Moped. I was as ecstatic as his friends to hit the road on this new steed with him.

One afternoon, a friend had the idea that we should try something daring. My brother would drive the moped with me as his pillion, and another would ride on a bicycle, holding on to the moped. It seemed thrilling, the kind of excitement only a teenager would crave. So, there we were, his friend touched the moped with one toe, balancing on the bike with the other, as we accelerated down the road.

Everything seemed fun until, out of nowhere, we were caught by my friend’s father, who happened to be driving behind us. He saw everything, and unlike what we expected, didn’t immediately scold us. Instead, he chuckled, probably remembering his own youthful days, and let us off with a warning. But the story didn’t end there.

Our father, on the other hand, wasn’t amused when he heard what happened. When we got home, he sat us down and asked, “Did you think about what could have gone wrong?” At that moment, I realized I hadn’t. The fun had blinded me to the potential dangers. Our father didn’t shout or lecture us endlessly. Instead, he calmly explained the risks and then handed down a consequence: my brother was grounded for two weeks, his driving privileges revoked.

It was a tough lesson, but it was fair. Our father’s approach combined compassion with consequences, ensuring that we understood the gravity of our actions without feeling crushed by guilt. This balance taught us both to think before acting, a lesson that has stayed with us I would like to believe.

In India, where the value of respect for elders and authority is deeply ingrained, the lessons of compassion and consequences often go hand-in-hand. I recall another story that made headlines not long ago, involving a young student who was caught cheating during an exam. His mother, instead of covering up for him or pleading with the authorities, made him own up to his mistake. She walked him to the principal’s office and insisted that he face the consequences of his actions. The boy was suspended for a week, but during that time, his mother didn’t just punish him. She sat with him, helped him understand the importance of integrity, and worked through his studies together.

These stories, though different in context, highlight the same principle. Compassion doesn’t mean letting someone off the hook; it means caring enough to ensure they understand the consequences of their actions. This is a lesson that echoes through the generations in India, where parents, teachers, and community leaders often walk the fine line between nurturing and disciplining.

Compassion without consequences can lead to a sense of entitlement, where young people might begin to believe that they can evade accountability. On the other hand, consequences without compassion can breed resentment. The real challenge lies in blending the two, creating an environment where young people feel supported even as they learn from their mistakes. Children, who grow up without clear boundaries, may struggle with self-discipline, respect for authority, and understanding the concept of limits. The lack of structure, moreover, can lead to difficulties in school, social relationships, and later in professional environments where rules and boundaries are essential for success.

Time and again, it has been seen that young people raised without boundaries often lack the ability to cope with frustration and disappointment. Without the experience of being told “no” or being held accountable for their actions, they may have unrealistic expectations of life and struggle with resilience. This can result in emotional instability, poor decision-making, and an inability to handle the challenges of adulthood. In the long term, the absence of boundaries can lead to a lack of respect for others’ rights and feelings. Without the early lessons that boundaries provide, individuals may become self-centred, disregarding the needs and limits of others in their personal and professional lives. This can lead to strained relationships, both personally and professionally, and hinder their ability to function effectively in society.

Ultimately, while setting boundaries may be challenging for adults, it is a crucial aspect of responsible parenting. Clear boundaries provide children with a sense of security, structure, and understanding of the world around them. They learn the importance of rules, respect, and self-control, which are essential for their development into well-adjusted, responsible, and empathetic adults.

In the end, it’s about preparing them for the realities of life. Whether it’s the judge who refused to lower the sentence for a hungry young man who resorted to theft or the mother who turned in her son after recognizing him in a security photo, the message is clear: true compassion involves guiding someone towards better choices, not shielding them from the repercussions of their actions.

So, as we navigate our roles as mentors, parents, and leaders, let’s remember this balance. By standing firm in our principles while offering a hand to those who stumble, we can help shape a future generation that is both compassionate and responsible.

The writer is a generational diversity speaker, author of five generational books and a consultant on working with GenZ; Leading with Social Impact and Suicide Prevention & Destigmatisation. A millennial in spirit, with the benefit of hindsight, she uses her 37 years in media and education to help leverage generational diversity at work and at home. She can be reached at https://www.linkedin.com/in/neerja-singh/.