The conflict tapestry

Kalpana Sharma

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoings and rightdoings,

There is a field. I’ll meet you there. – Jalalad-Din Rumi

This is one of my favourite quotes by Rumi. I have been a teacher for three decades now and I have had the opportunity to interact with and teach students from diverse backgrounds. School, a microcosm of society, unites many worldviews, ways of thinking, and methods of living, making it a place where conflicts arise on a daily basis. Conflicts can arise at every step between administrators- teachers, teachers-teachers, teachers-students, or teachers-parents. While working together, our own thoughts, conclusions, and prejudices play a major role in how we perceive and deal with situations and relationships. We are constantly juggling between right and wrong; good and bad. It is not easy to give up our opinions, and thus every now and then we meet the demon Mr. Conflict. And it is not just the external conflicts that one has to deal with, there are internal conflicts too. For me this journey has been more intense as I have been in the administration in both my workplaces. In the previous school, I was the principal and until recently I was the headmistress for the junior wing of a residential school. While the two schools are very different in their philosophy and functioning, in both places, schools leaders are expected to have a lot of patience, understand human nature, know how to modulate the school atmosphere and develop and sustain a positive and peaceful school culture. We are also responsible for the day-to-day functioning of the school along with developing, leading, and supporting the vision, values, and priorities of the school. Slowly with time, I realized that I need to work on my inner conflicts if I have to modulate the school atmosphere. I still have a long way to go, but as I take a pause and look back, it has been a rich learning experience for me.

The epiphanic moment

A couple of years ago, I had an experience that caused me to shift my perspective. It left me wondering if there is something beyond and absolute right and wrong; can something that is right for me be wrong for someone else? I have been a house parent in this school for more than five years now. As house parents, we have to ensure that the children feel safe with us. We also have to see that our children become responsible. Once, I was struggling with a middle school boy. He was utterly disorganized. I tried several ways to help him overcome what I saw as his ‘lazy attitude’, but his living space was always a mess. One day, the boy came to me and very politely said, “Di, what is order for you is disorder for me. It irritates me if I see things in order as per your definition.” This struck a chord and forced me to step back, take a pause, and reflect. The conflict I was living with everyday started to melt away. Since that day, my way of working not only with children but also adults, changed. I stopped asking the boy to clean up and to my surprise, I saw him trying to understand my perspective and once in a while even go the extra mile to keep his space clean and organized. So ‘Out beyond ideas of wrongdoings and rightdoings’, we managed to meet in a space where we could understand each other and not force our beliefs on one another. More than that there was a freshness in our relationship now. I became more open to others’ points of view and stopped holding on rigidly to my beliefs.

Different strategies

In school, conflicts may be experienced during distribution of work or making the time table, handling discipline issues, teaching activities and practices within and outside the class, rewards, punishments, political views, and many more. I started my journey as a teacher in a conventional school. It was extremely easy to work there as a majority of the decisions were taken at the top level and one was only expected to follow what was decided. This approach was the same whether it was classroom practices, rewards, punishments, or decision-making. There was order at every step. It seemed like we were working in a very systematic way with a lot of clarity. Leading the school, most of the time I was very satisfied with my efficient handling of conflicts. My method was to never let conflicts pop up. The moment I would sense something emerging, I would nip it in the bud, seeing it as a waste of time.

When I stepped into a Krishnamurti school, I was utterly confused as nothing seemed to be in order here. For every little thing, one had to figure their own way out. For example, in this school there was no uniform for the children, the bell would not ring after a period got over. Whether the bell should ring or not, children should wear uniform or not, there would be endless meetings between teachers and between teachers and senior students. What types of games should be played? What should the template of the time table be? Answers to such questions would be arrived at through meetings. Not one or two but several. In the beginning, I used to find all of this a sheer waste of time. I liked everything laid out in black and white. Implementation was important, it didn’t matter whether people liked it or not. So all this time devoted to understanding each other when there were so many other things to do, made no sense to me.

Time tabling can happen in many different ways. When people share their perspectives and ideas, and their feedback is valued, what emerges is extremely valuable. Each time a new committee takes over the administration, it brings fresh ideas and ways of thinking and doing. In my earlier school, we would follow the same template for years and only plug people in and out. By refusing to value feedback, the same old practice would continue year after year. Since we were unwilling to change the template, we would fix people here and there. This, I realized, is not what working together means, it is dictating people, or working for convenience. I often ask myself, where did this approach came from? Was it a lack of adaptability or being glued to one’s fear and insecurities?

The mistake of seeing through a single lens

I had another eye-opening experience in my current school. I wasn’t comfortable with the ways of a colleague and raised a number of questions about her. She is a wonderful human being and an easy-going person. In terms of temperament, we are poles apart. Where I hail from a multi-tasking background, always wanting things in order, she would have a very relaxed with a happy-go-lucky attitude. Probably my previous work experience had conditioned me so much that I looked at her only from one lens and felt she was inefficient. We were working together for a project and we’d have heated arguments, which became unbearable for me after a point. That is when a senior mentor made me realize how limited I was in my approach to understanding my colleague and how I was painting the entire canvas black believing that there was nothing good about her. My mentor made me watch this famous TED talk – The Danger of a Single Story by Nigerian author Chimaamanda Ngozi Adichie. The talk was compelling and impactful and it made me understand how we stick to a single story all through our lives, leading to skewed beliefs. It challenged my limited assumptions flowing out of a single lens of personal experience and conditioning.

This shift in my perspective helped me try to understand my colleague. Slowly, I started observing, seeing, and listening to her, which I could not earlier. I discovered how empathetic she was. She had the ‘Pied Piper effect’ on children. Food was something to which she related so well. Her plate would always be clean like a mirror and the children followed her in this behaviour. No child would leave even a single grain in her presence. I also noticed that when she sent the children for activities daily, she would call out three times – “All boys who are ready, move out, time to go.” The second call would be after a few minutes for the next batch, the third call after another few minutes, and finally she would say, “If anyone is left behind, let’s go together.” I remember thinking, “Isn’t this differentiated learning? We spend hours breaking our heads, reading up curricula from different countries to figure out the right pedagogy to use and here she is doing it right away.” If it were me, I would have expected all boys to be out in one go and that too five minutes before. What she did ate up five to seven more minutes, but it was an empathetic way of approaching the whole thing so that there was no conflict at either end. The list of anecdotes is endless, but what I want to highlight is that had I been stewing in the juice of my conflict, I would never have been able to see this side of my colleague and could never have worked together in true spirit. This turnaround in my life has been extremely valuable. Being in administration, I am constantly working and dealing with people and it is a real challenge. There is immense responsibility one is shouldering of empowering each team member and that can only happen when one is open to listening to different stories and keeping one’s opinions as opinions and not facts. I am now able to go slow with the newcomers and give them space to settle, understand their perspective and not impose my ways on them. This surely eased out the working atmosphere and there is joy in working together with very little space for conflicts.

Being aware of the parts, while looking at the whole

During a session by a senior colleague, I was touched by an image he had used to explain the spirit of working together – that of a conductor in an orchestra who is not only listening to the overall composition, but is also aware of each musician. Isn’t that what each one of us is doing as a teacher in a classroom or when we are working together? This is exactly what my friend was doing when sending the children out for activities in batches. This is an example of sensitive leadership, where one is able to hear one’s own music in the entire composition. If we follow this approach, there are bound to be fewer conflicts while respecting diverse natures, approaches, and perspectives. It has been interesting for me to witness these two sides of working in my two workplaces.

Listening to each other’s stories

Once during our staff meeting, we decided to just listen to one another. It was a one and a half hour slot and we had to choose a partner and listen to each other. When one would speak, the other would not say a word and just listen and vice versa. We could then go and find another partner. Though it appeared to be a simple activity, it was very impactful. Nearly all of us felt so much lighter and there was an air of freshness all around. Many people broke down, so many self-created conflicts got resolved. What emerged was a space beyond the right and wrong. After the meeting, the participants asked for more such sessions. During this session, we realized that in the rush of things we miss out on so much that is unsaid. We get so caught up in words, which are only the outward means of communication, but to communicate beyond the noise of words, we must listen. It is only in listening that one hears the song of the words.

I had just stepped into my admin role in the new school and there were a few issues that were bothering me. This space helped me resolve those issues. It made me understand that as a role holder, I should encourage more such spaces, so that the residue of conflict doesn’t accumulate. I was now very observant as a group anchor, sensing the overall vibes of the place. I am sure most people with lead roles are like that. Now if I see that a colleague is upset about something, I will take all the steps to know what is bothering her. This approach has been very helpful for me and has created strong bonds of working together. Very often, sharing feedback with colleagues is not easy. It can flair up at any level. In my previous school, two of my colleagues left with bitter feelings and that is something that still bothers me. In this school, I learnt that giving feedback is a very thoughtful process. I spend a lot of time thinking about it. Most of the time, I ask for feedback about me first and then share my feedback about my colleague. If the feedback is very sensitive, I ask senior colleagues to join me when giving feedback to a colleague.

Before being a school leader, I am a teacher…and before that I am a learner

This is something interesting that I experienced in my new school. Everyone here is a teacher first and then a role holder. It took me time to digest this, as in my old school I was only a principal. Here, since I am a teacher first and then a team leader, it creates a healthy working atmosphere with fewer conflicts. I always felt teaching not only kept me alive and fresh, but helped me relate to my colleagues, parents, and students in a very authentic way. Even though my initial days here were not as a house parent, I would still be a part of the house parent meetings in my capacity as a teacher and role holder. I would try and resolve conflicts, if they did arise, between colleagues, students, or parents. But I used to feel distant while carrying out this duty. It was as if I only had a superficial view. Thereafter, I asked the school to give me the role of a house parent as well and now when I help people resolve conflicts, it makes more sense to me. People also relate and listen to me as they know I am also sailing in the same boat.

Are we together in this journey with parents?

Often, as role holders we struggle to hold hands with parents. Many times our expectations don’t match. There seems to be a lack of trust. This is true for every school. For me it has been an interesting experience. Being a Krishnamurti school, we work in a very non-competitive environment. There are no rewards and punishments. This takes parents time to understand. I have always dealt with this disagreement very patiently and never made it personal. It is important to understand where parents come from and give them time to understand this way of working. There are occasions when children miscommunicate to parents or sometimes when parents are overprotective of their children. As a role holder, I have to enter the space very carefully, listen to parents, children, and colleagues, and help them understand each other’s points of view. It is not easy at all because after a teacher puts in their heart and soul and they feel parents are not acknowledging their effort, they are not able to let it go. So, here I need to continuously help my colleagues with conflict resolving skills.

Looking inward

A few years ago, we had an open forum, where students voiced their concerns about the different rules for girls and boys while playing cricket. It was interesting to listen to all perspectives and figure out the right approach, rather than enforce rules on children.

I remember that once there were a few concerns raised by a student on being teased about the colour of her skin. This was taken up very seriously and a whole term was spent addressing the issue in various ways, which also included conducting a survey asking students if they ever had witnessed anything like this. We also took suggestions from them as to how to handle such cases. Many special assemblies and movies that celebrated diversity were screened for the children. I also remember, children coming up with role plays for the entire school.

Another interesting practice followed in most Krishnamurti schools is helping children and adults resolve their inner conflicts related to girl-boy relationships. Though dancing together has many benefits, here I would like to focus on how this activity can help break down inhibitions that exist between genders. Our children learn folk dance in senior school and thereafter enjoy doing it during weekends in their own informal common spaces on campus. The emphasis is not on performing, but on coming together. Schools are places where relationships are born and need the right environment to be nurtured. The impact of social media and current trends in the society have given our children a very romanticised and narrow version of the relationship between a boy and girl. The conditioning of the adults around also hampers their growth as we ourselves are often confused. I am one of the teachers responsible for the ‘growing up’ classes in junior school, and after witnessing the older students do folk dance, I realized how boys and girls became very comfortable not only with their own bodies, but also in terms of respecting their partners. In my old school, there was no time for such things. We would spend hours lecturing children, separating them and giving them a list of dos and don’ts. But such an approach would never resolve the conflict for them.

In my current school, there are slots called CTP (class teacher period) and Culture, where many larger questions of life are discussed ranging from fear, responsibility and freedom, knowing oneself, racism, to inequality, growing up, bodies, and more.

With the very young ones, we start by helping them understand what emotions are and how to comprehend and express them. During the CTP slots, children listen to stories, are immersed in various activities and share and discuss their feelings and emotions in safe circles. It is extremely important to start this journey in the formative years. Despite the wide range of topics across age groups, what is precious about these spaces is that children can express themselves freely. They learn to listen patiently and respectfully when someone else is speaking and their experience helps them better understand their own selves. What is very essential to understanding conflict is the art of listening. And these are the spaces where the seeds for such behaviour are sown.

Respect for individual differences is an important theme that is visited each year with the children in different ways. In my previous workplace, there was no space for such things. If a child would bully or tease someone in any form, what, at the most, we would do is call the parents, issue a warning, and finally expel the child if they don’t respond. I often ask myself what that way of working was. As an educator, I walked the path of convenience and left the child to grow in a state of conflict forever, probably contributing to the global crisis in today’s era. Whereas here, I learnt altogether a different way of approaching things which has been an immense learning experience for me. Children are children and walk into our school with a lot of baggage. They have picked up a lot that is not age appropriate and are also in the clutches of the social media. Living together in a community is very different and offers a fertile ground for nurturing social-emotional learning. Children cry, weep, play, laugh and live together for nearly eight months of the year. During this phase, they fight, tease, and do things that are not acceptable. Sometimes it can get very ugly. The thrust is not to brush things away, even the smallest voice is heard and discussed amongst the adults and then with the students. If need be, further measures are crafted to help children come out of their fear and insecurities, where they are able to understand the root of the problem. All existence is in maintaining relationships and it is important to become aware of one’s relationship with everything and everybody.

To understand how the “me” operates is also important. Without this knowledge, it is difficult to understand the tapestry of conflict. In our school we have another slot called SOL – Space for open learning, where children and adults sit and reflect. This happens once a week. Children thoroughly enjoy these spaces and look forward to these slots. When I missed a few of these slots in a row, my children were annoyed with me. These are spaces where children are likely to experience intimations of their innermost thoughts and feelings. And if they are looking forward to such spaces, it means that we are on the right track helping them dip deep inside to know themselves – inside and out.

“Every war and every conflict between human beings has happened because of some disagreement about names. It is such an unnecessary foolishness, because just beyond the arguing there is a long table of companionship set and waiting for us to sit down. What is praised is one, so the praise is one too, many jugs being poured into a huge basin. All religions, all this singing one song. The differences are just illusion and vanity. Sunlight looks a little different on this wall than it does on that wall and a lot different on this other one, but it is still one light. We have borrowed these clothes, these time-and-space personalities, from a light, and when we praise, we are pouring them back in” – Jalalad-Din Rumi

As educators, it is our responsibility to work with young minds to appreciate differences and look beyond arguing and enjoy the space – where one is able to understand the other in a true sense. The world would surely then be a better place to live in. It is all about each one adding strength to the chain. A school is a place where one learns the importance of knowledge and its limitations. It is a place where one learns to observe the world not from any one point of view or conclusion. One learns to look at the whole of man’s endeavour, his search for beauty, his search for truth and for a way of living without conflict. Conflict is the very essence of violence. Schools can be places where an attempt can be made to understand actuality and its action without any preconceived ideas, theories, or beliefs which bring about a contradictory attitude towards existence.

As educators are we willing to weave a new conflict tapestry? If yes, would it be like a carpenter or a gardener?

The author has taught for more than two decades in different places and grades. She has been a principal at B.S.N. Shimla for five years and has worked as junior school headmistress at Rajghat Besant School for six years. Her experience with under-resourced schools and educational colleges makes her realize that we need to work with children to address their different learning needs, especially at school. She teaches English and has a deep interest in inclusive education. She is currently working as a senior teacher and special educator at Rajghat Besant School. She can be reached at kalpana.sharma@rajghatbesantschool.org.